Just when I thought it was all going according to plan -running the ‘world of Gitika’ while she is incapacitated, with barely a hiccup or anyone noticing the difference (In fact some things had improved) to their ‘Gitika’ experience. Then it all changed! Today, just after lunch, that is Wednesday the 8th of February, I entered a  primary school to run a singing workshop with a group (I use the term loosely) of  year 2’s. To be honest I did not know what year 2 means, age wise, but hey, its a primary school,  how difficult is it to sing ‘Row Row your boat’ and ‘Old Suzanna’. Anyway, arrived, blagged my way past the school office and then was left, I repeat left, with what could only be described as a large group of very small people.

I will just say this straight off, when people are this young they have no concept of etiquette or moral boundaries and breaking wind to them seems like obligatory custom when in the presence of a elder.

Anyway I intoduced myself as Gitika, and blow me down they called my bluff and told me I would never be Gitika because… 1. I don’t smell like Gitika 2. I have a big nose and 3. I am a man and Gitika is a woman. Wow!  I might be able to fool the Head Teacher but as for the kids, no chance, they knew as soon as their little beady’s eyes were set on me.

What do parents feed their kids these days? They seem to fart constantly.Or maybe it’s the ‘healthy’ school dinners.

Anyway, waving the gas aside, I explained the situation – what had happened at the Zoo – how the pressure must have got to their beloved teacher and that she sent her love, but at the moment she is off her rocker and has sent me to fill her spot while she gets better. This news was not received well by the children. A sort of mass hysteria swept through the classroom like a fire in a DFS sofa shop. The atmosphere soon became toxic, what with the wailing and all that gas, and me trying to console the little squibs – I had to think on my feet. What would Gitika do? I know! So I launched into a rendition of  ‘If You Go Down to the Woods Today’, things then got worse, alot worse.

Now in my day kids respected their elders, and if you didn’t, they hit you hard.  Seems to me thats all changed now, the kids hit me pretty hard. When the teaching staff finally ran into the classroom I was just jumping out of the second floor window, which, by the way this was greeted by a great cheer from the children. I hit the floor running followed by a swarm of felt tips raining down on me (felt tips are 3 times the size they used to be). I can still hear the head teachers’ voice screaming ‘children stop!’  ‘Gitika stop!’  I did not stop, I was lucky to only to have very bruised ankles and a head gash.

I will not be returning next week.

From now on its adults only.

So Song of the Day Let’s have some Sparklehorse A great Lyrical number.